Brief Intermission

Surprise. Surprise.

It’s only been a few months since I’ve posted anything….okay, It’s been about six months! I’d say that I’m pretty consistent with being inconsistent. There has got to be some kind of an award for that. If not, I’m going to make one and award myself with it.

Honestly, blogging hasn’t been the only thing I have been neglecting as of late. I’ve kind of found myself in this sort of limbo where I’m half paying attention to what’s going on around me. I haven’t been doing a whole lot with my friends, my writing or my career. I am feeling very…stagnant. At least, that is the best way that I can think to put it.

I remember when my motivation to write would come in bursts. I would be able to sit down for hours and just write anything on my mind. Now, inspiration is fleeting. There’s always that dull buzzing inside of me that tells me that I should just sit down and let the words manifest themselves. Then when I finally get the time to, I freeze up. I absently stare at blank sheets of paper or a blinking cursor. For a while I thought that I was completely dried up of the only creative outlet that I have ever really had.

The issue isn’t that the words have ever left me.

All this time I have been choosing to fixate myself on one thing or another, neglecting everything else in my life. It’s painful really. I put all of my effort into improving one aspect of my life at a time, meanwhile letting everything else suffer.

I wish that all of this was just a build-up to an announcement of some sort of miracle cure. Perhaps some sort of magical elixir to help people like me to manage life a little better. But alas, I sit here with the same empty promise of self-improvement.

We’ll see what happens.


Open Letters: To That Girl

Dear “That girl”

I know you. You’ve just gotten out of a long term relationship and are feeling a bit lost right now. You’re “that girl.” The one that turns down date invitations and nights out with the girls just to sit in the tub with the shower faucet running and think about what went wrong. You’re the girl who stays up until the wee hours of the night trying to figure out who to pin the blame on. Was it your fault or his? Eventually, you’ll accept all the blame and cry yourself to sleep. When your alarm goes off, you’ll hesitate to get out of bed and wonder if this will be the day you call in to work and say that you’re never coming in again. You’ll ponder this until you have only a small amount of time to get ready. You’ll find some recently discarded clothes on your floor to wear. Your coworkers will point out the bags under your eyes and ask if you had “a long night” with a wink. As if that’s appropriate to ask, but it’s not like it’s any of their business to begin with.

Those who know you best will know that you’re “that girl.” The one who is struggling too hard to remember who they were before the relationship, to even consider having “a long night” with anyone else. So much of your identity was derived from who you were with this one person that you spent all of you time with. You don’t know who you are outside of that.

I know you. I know that it’s hard right now to set yourself apart from who you were in that relationship. It’s hard to now make plans for what’s next when you had always envisioned the future with that certain someone. Give it some time. You’ll become a better, more refined you. You know yourself better than anyone else does. When it’s time to find another, you’ll be able to distinguish yourself from them. You are strong, independent, and courageous. You’ll get through this, I promise.

“That girl”

Ramblings: Season 5, Episode 11

It’s hard to believe that I have been running this thing for almost five years. This blog, that is. When I’ve mentioned it to other people, they always ask me what it’s about. I’m never able think of a very solid answer. After almost five years, I still don’t know what this is about. I never know what I am going to post or when I’m going to post it.

This all started as an open journal for me. I wanted a place to post more of my censored thoughts. I wanted to be able to share a bit of my life with everyone. Most of my journal-type entries aren’t even relevant anymore. I don’t even know some of the people that I’ve mentioned anymore.

I still don’t know what I’m doing.

I don’t have regular readers, so I know that I doesn’t mean much if I post or not. It doesn’t make a difference if three weeks, three months, or three years passes between posts. With how much time has passed since I’ve actually sat down to write, I should have something more to say. And still, I’ve been staring at a blinking cursor for far too long.

I know that I was meant to write. I don’t know what about and maybe I won’t ever know. For now I’m going to keep trying. I’m going to fall back in love with writing, fall back in love with myself.

For the very few of you that continue to read everything that I post, thank you.

Thank you for your patience, kindness, and encouragement.

With love always.




Your Love

Of course this is love. Or is it? 

Is your heart really in it? 

Do you think of me in times where your mind is busy? 

Or does the thought of me only come when you’re alone? 

Am I bothersome when you’re with your friends? 

Do you only like me when you’re home? 

Is your love for me in passing, like the lust in your eyes when you walk past other girls? 

Do you forge your affection for me like signature on an unwanted bill? 

I’m trying to make a connection, but all I can see is that your love doesn’t belong to me. 

Your love belongs to many. 

You could never set your eyes on one face. 

Your love never belonged at your the dinner table with my family as we said grace. 

Your love was the cheapest currency and was easily replaced. 

Your love was for the chase. 

Fool Me Once, Shame On Me

Please don’t come back.
I’d like to keep you at bay.
Any residual feelings that I had for you have been completely cast away.
How foolish was I to let you stay.
Please don’t call me again.
No, we can’t be friends.
You burned that bridge too many times, there isn’t a plank left of it to mend.
Please don’t say my name again.
You’ve soiled your reputation, I’d rather you just let mine be.
We agreed to be civil, and yet again you failed me.
You say you need me.
You say that you’ve reached an all time low.
If you see me out in public, please don’t say hello.


All that was left was television static.

A blaring disruption where there once was pleasant noise.

Then came the silence.

A dreadful, noiseless void.

Your whispers cut through the darkness.

New images came to light.

You added splashes of color to what previously could only be seen in black and white.

The Earth began to shake and everything became clear.

No longer held by a deafening captor, I could hear music and laughter.

No longer burdened by insecurities or fears.

Please tell me that you’ll stay, that you’ll always be here.

This Is Halloween


As Halloween 2016 comes to a close, I figured that I would post a poem that I wrote almost 7 years ago. Of course, this was inspired by The Nightmare Before Christmas. Enjoy.

In our little town of Halloween,
Tricks are cruel and pranks are mean.
I do admit we have strange ways of doing things,
In our little town of Halloween.

Forbidden love must not last.
For a spell; a witch will cast.
No need to hide behind a mask,
In our little town of Halloween.

A ghostly dog roams the cemetery at night.
But the fright he causes is common.
The air is always in a fog.
small children can’t play outside for long,
In our little town of Halloween.

In our town;
Yes, this place we call home.
The atmosphere is serene,
And we are left alone.
Still there are those fit to wander.
Whose thoughts begin to ponder.
In our little town of Halloween.

Jack and Sally are meant to be.
Even an outsider could see.
Yet Sally’s master says no.
This story is a twist on Romeo and Juliet.
Given the fact the characters are dead,
In our little town of Halloween.

Although this is a weird town,
Say if you may.
The traditions that the townspeople uphold,
Create a holiday.
But lucky as it seems,
For everyday is Halloween.
In our little town of Halloween.


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Oh colors

I’ve been terrible at posting lately. At least once a year, I take an unplanned hiatus. Well, I’m back. I hope to post more frequently now that I’ve gotten back into the swing of things.

Nothing too exciting has been going on, but I thought that I would update you all on my most recent hair color adventures.

So here we go.



I dyed my hair red back in April and now I can’t seem to stop making these colorful hair dye concoctions.

After the red, I dyed my hair a blue-grey mix which faded into a beautiful mint green color (also pictured).

Once the mint green faded, I topped it with a violet color which turned into this pink galaxy color (bottom left).

The bottom right shows my most current hair color, dark purple.

It has been so much fun to dye my hair these colors. I am so glad to finally have a job that allows this colorful expression.

I will be trying to post more frequently in the upcoming weeks. Stay tuned.

Follow me on Instagram for more stuff!

My Instagram name is XxshayislostxX  !!


Things were never too serious.
Why couldn’t I see?
I lived off the illusion that you could be with only me.
I saw something inside you, just a little spark that told me that others didn’t know your heart.
I chose not to believe them.
I thought it could be true.
I wanted to see the flame that burned within you.
I fought to be beside you.
I fought so hard.
I scratched and clawed my way into your arms.
For a second I was in your castle, encased in your walls.
But as the wind shifted, the bricks started to fall.
There I was left standing, alone in your mess.
If only fairytales weren’t so well-dressed.


I belong to the wind and the rain.
I’ve made my stops along the 5 o’clock train.
I’ve watched countless faces forget my name.
And to them, the storm will never sound the same.
I’ve beat the ground with my thundering roar.
I’ve pattered against windows that have never seen rain before.
I’ve broken glass and broken doors.
I’ve watched houses topple from brittle floors.
I’ve broken down barriers and crushed every sign.
I would blame the weather, but the fault is mine.