Too Late Update

I have sort of taken an unexpected hiatus from my blog lately and I apologize. For a while I was doing pretty well about updating it almost every week. I guarantee that my absence has been justified.

Really the only explaination that I can give for my blogging gap is that I have been breaking down many aspects of my life while also building up others. There are a lot of things that have changed in the last couple of weeks. Most of them are good. ¬† I think we all know how much I enjoy making lists, so I guess I’ll start with that.

  1. Matt and I broke up.

For those of you who don’t know, I had been in a relationship with Matt for about two years. I know that the breakup came as a shock for most of my friends and family. To sum up the break up, it was just that time to end things. I decided that it was finally time for me to pull my life together and I know that I wouldn’t be able to do that with him around- as mean as that sounds. There was also a lack of attention and a whole lot of unhappiness.

2. I moved in with one of my best friends and my coworker.

I cannot explain the level of appreciation that I have for Brie. She was quick from the beginning to offer me a place to stay when things were going downhill with Matt. She has been there to support me and comfort me every step of the way. She had provided such a great living space for me and I am forever grateful for her friendship.

3. I got a tattoo, or rather two tattoos.

My first tattoo was an impulse decision that I made with Megan about a month ago when we went to get frozen yogurt. Sounds strange, right? I guess to rephrase, the timing was impulsive. Megan and I had both wanted to get tattoos for a long time. It just took a frozen yogurt trip for us to coax ourselves into a tattoo shop.

For those of you wondering, my first tattoo is a Shakespeare quote. No surprise there. I decided to get “All the world’s a stage” permanently etched into my skin as a tribute for my undying love for literature. Just a few short weeks after getting my first tattoo, I decided to get another one. My second one, I decided, should be something more reflective of myself. Right under that Shakespeare quote I got a quill and ink well. I chose the quill and ink well to compliment the first tattoo, but also to show that I, myself, am a writer. Cheesy, I know.

4. I have been working A LOT.

Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate getting more hours at work. As we all know, more hours means more money. As a part time employee I have been scheduled for about 40 hours a week. It may not seem bad to some, but it is a lot more than what I am used to.

5. I’ve spent more time with my family.

I have received such immeasurable love and support from my family the last few weeks. It never fails to amaze me how understanding my close relatives are when it comes to the greater changes.

6. My best friend went back to school.

Megan just recently moved back go campus to start her sophomore year of college. I miss her so dearly. I’m really glad that she and I got to spend so much time together when she was on summer break. But man, I miss her.

7. I’ve been working towards my own happiness.

In the short 19 years that I have lived, I’ve spent a whole lot of time doing things for the benefit of other people. Right now, I’m doing things mainly for my own benefit. I’m living my own life and indulging in the blessing of being young. I’m living my life as intended and I am so happy to be living in the moment.

Well that’s all for now folks. Stay tuned for more frequent updates and posts.

Note- this blog post was written on my phone while I was at a tattoo shop. I greatly apologize for any spelling/grammar mistakes that I have made. Any and all mistakes will be corrected as soon as I gain access to a device with a full keyboard. Thanks for reading.

Reality

Keep dreaming your sweet lullaby.
Softly whispering your melody of peace, so swiftly do the doves fly.
Roses stay forever red and tears are always dried.
You’re too busy hiding your destruction to realize, that your reality has always been disguised.
It was masked behind your illusions, insecurities, and fears.
All you did was close your eyes, cover your ears, and pray for it all to disappear.
Little did you know, that god was too far away to hear your silent prayer.
The nightmares were all real.
They were there before your eyes.
It all took place as you clenched your fists and tried to visualize…
Visualize a better world.
A world without hate or danger.
A world without enemies and you were never called a stranger.
All of these things you pictured.
Your well thought plan of ease.
All of that time you wasted.
Those images clung to your mind like a disease.
Those images were only supposed to be used as a reference.
A stencil to map out a profound and better world,
But now those images have shattered into a saddening reminder of what the world will never be.
You tell me to be optimistic.
How could you be so blind?
How could you not see?
The world is never going to change.
That is what I call my reality.

When Are You Playing It Too Safe?

I’ve always been one to watch where I step. Shoot, I even carry band-aids in my wallet in case of emergency. I’m mostly careful about what I say around people that I know. In most cases, I say very little to people that I don’t know. So why now am I questioning what’s safe and what’s good for me?

It’s true that I have been prioritizing safety over happiness. Looking back now, I should have jumped at opportunities instead of hesitating so much. I am the one holding myself back, all because I am so damn afraid of the unexpected. I don’t like not having a plan and I don’t like the feeling that things are crumbling.

I am drowning in a pool of stagnant water and I keep taking for granted the people who keep trying to throw me lifelines. I am safe here in this pool and I don’t know what will happen if I get out. I’m exhausted from thinking so hard about this and I wish that I could just make up my mind.

Not A Very Good Day

It’s pretty much impossible for me to have a “lazy Sunday”…In fact, I don’t have lazy days anymore. Today started off like any other. I woke up an hour and a half before my alarm. I burned my hand taking a plate out of the microwave. I got so caught up in the book that I was reading that I was late getting ready for work. I figured that I would still be able to get to work on time if I didn’t blow dry my hair after I showered. On my way out of the house, I looked in the mirror and realized that I had completely forgotten that I just recently dyed my hair purple. The purple dye in my hair stained my white work shirt. I quickly changed shirts and towel dried my hair the best that I could. I drove to work with my windows down to try to air-dry my hair, but my hair stained the shirt that I had just put on. At work I pulled my hair to the side and realized that after my shower I had forgot to put my gauges back in. I Spent my entire shift trying to hide the stains on my shirt, and also trying to hide my ears. About 30 mins before the end of my 8 hour shift, my manager asked me to stay an hour late. Right before the end of my nine hour shift, it started to rain. I had to walk through the rain, which got my hair wet and my hair stained my shirt some more.

I know that it could have been a lot worse, but I just wanted to share with everyone who wanted to laugh at my misfortune. Happy Sunday.

I Still Care

I find myself saying a lot of mean things about people that have hurt me in the past. Which for most people is absolutely normal. What inspired me to write this wasn’t the things these people did to hurt me or even the mean things that I’ve said about them in exchange. What inspired me to write this is that no matter what a person has done to hurt me or the things that I’ve said about them, I would 100% be there if they called me right now and said that they needed me.

This in turn made me think about what the driving factors were in breaking off some of the relationships that I’ve had. Every relationship that has ended was due to that fact that I felt like the other person wasn’t doing enough to benefit the relationship. ¬†Among other reasons, they lied, cheated, and ditched their way out of our relationship and I had to cut the ties to preserve my sanity. So why do I still drive myself crazy by thinking about them? Why do I feel the unquenchable need to bash them in conversations with my close friends?

Because I care too much.

Despite everything that they’ve done or what I’ve said…I still care.

I don’t care how our relationship ended, if you called me at 3 A.M. because you had thoughts about ending it all, I’d be on the phone with you until those thoughts were at bay. If you were stuck somewhere that you didn’t feel safe, I would be there to pick you up and drive you somewhere safe. If you just need someone to talk to, I’m here.

I still care and I’m here whenever you need me.

The Reasons Why I Blog

A few moments ago, I read a blog post on thoughtfulmindsunited.com about the various reasons why people blog. I couldn’t help but to ask myself the same question….Why do I blog? Here are the reasons that I came up with:

At the young age of 7 or 8, I knew that writing was something that I was good at. I was able to fabricate a two page story on paper, when most of my classmates were still struggling to write their first and last names. As a child, when I told an adult that I wanted to be a writer when I grew up, they all responded with the same look of surprise like I had just told them that I wanted to be an astronaut or vampire. I found these responses to be exciting and encouraging. As a teen, I was asked multiple times what I wanted to do when I got older. I gave the same response that I gave when I was a child, but this time, the questioners were not satisfied. They would ask me what I wanted to write about and how I planned on making a living off of writing. To both questions, I would answer that I didn’t know. It seemed like everyone that I spoke to about becoming a writer had something to say to discourage me. They would tell me that I would not be able to pay bills with the money that I made from writing, and that there was no such thing as freelance writer. Truthfully, I blog to prove them all wrong. I blog so that everyone who doubted me can see that I have potential. Writing may never make me any money and that is something that I have come to terms with, but I know that I would never be happy if I did not write.

Blogging is an outlet that makes me feel like I am being heard. In real life, I am either too scared to share my ideas and inspiration, or I am surrounded by people who don’t listen.

To read the blog that inspired this post: http://thoughtfulmindsunited.com/2015/05/21/heres-why-you-blog/