Things were never too serious.
Why couldn’t I see?
I lived off the illusion that you could be with only me.
I saw something inside you, just a little spark that told me that others didn’t know your heart.
I chose not to believe them.
I thought it could be true.
I wanted to see the flame that burned within you.
I fought to be beside you.
I fought so hard.
I scratched and clawed my way into your arms.
For a second I was in your castle, encased in your walls.
But as the wind shifted, the bricks started to fall.
There I was left standing, alone in your mess.
If only fairytales weren’t so well-dressed.
Things were never too serious.
I belong to the wind and the rain.
I’ve made my stops along the 5 o’clock train.
I’ve watched countless faces forget my name.
And to them, the storm will never sound the same.
I’ve beat the ground with my thundering roar.
I’ve pattered against windows that have never seen rain before.
I’ve broken glass and broken doors.
I’ve watched houses topple from brittle floors.
I’ve broken down barriers and crushed every sign.
I would blame the weather, but the fault is mine.
Heaven forbid you end up alone.
In your weakest moments, you’re left on your own.
In the midst of the darkness, you begin to realize the truth.
All of your thoughts and actions reflect back onto you.
Choose your words carefully.
Paint yourself humble.
You never know, when the Earth starts to shake, all of the people around you may crumble.
It’s a painful reality.
All you wanted was proof.
Proof that those that said they would stand by you were telling the truth.
You faked your death.
And for that reason, you’re standing alone.
This is just to say:
I have caused grief.
I have caused your grief.
I saw your reaction when you heard the news.
Your body trembled as you fell to your knees.
Oh, how you still weep.
I am the bringer of your pain.
I have taken your loved one away.
Somewhere out there, his body lies beneath an unmarked grave.
Imagine if he would have stayed…
The blood…The guns…Those who were slain.
All of the images of war would have forever diseased his brain.
He would not have been the same.
I have added another soul to my jar.
Believe me, he would not have gotten far.
Forget me not.
I will come and collect again, when your time has reached its end.
I have sort of taken an unexpected hiatus from my blog lately and I apologize. For a while I was doing pretty well about updating it almost every week. I guarantee that my absence has been justified.
Really the only explaination that I can give for my blogging gap is that I have been breaking down many aspects of my life while also building up others. There are a lot of things that have changed in the last couple of weeks. Most of them are good. I think we all know how much I enjoy making lists, so I guess I’ll start with that.
- Matt and I broke up.
For those of you who don’t know, I had been in a relationship with Matt for about two years. I know that the breakup came as a shock for most of my friends and family. To sum up the break up, it was just that time to end things. I decided that it was finally time for me to pull my life together and I know that I wouldn’t be able to do that with him around- as mean as that sounds. There was also a lack of attention and a whole lot of unhappiness.
2. I moved in with one of my best friends and my coworker.
I cannot explain the level of appreciation that I have for Brie. She was quick from the beginning to offer me a place to stay when things were going downhill with Matt. She has been there to support me and comfort me every step of the way. She had provided such a great living space for me and I am forever grateful for her friendship.
3. I got a tattoo, or rather two tattoos.
My first tattoo was an impulse decision that I made with Megan about a month ago when we went to get frozen yogurt. Sounds strange, right? I guess to rephrase, the timing was impulsive. Megan and I had both wanted to get tattoos for a long time. It just took a frozen yogurt trip for us to coax ourselves into a tattoo shop.
For those of you wondering, my first tattoo is a Shakespeare quote. No surprise there. I decided to get “All the world’s a stage” permanently etched into my skin as a tribute for my undying love for literature. Just a few short weeks after getting my first tattoo, I decided to get another one. My second one, I decided, should be something more reflective of myself. Right under that Shakespeare quote I got a quill and ink well. I chose the quill and ink well to compliment the first tattoo, but also to show that I, myself, am a writer. Cheesy, I know.
4. I have been working A LOT.
Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate getting more hours at work. As we all know, more hours means more money. As a part time employee I have been scheduled for about 40 hours a week. It may not seem bad to some, but it is a lot more than what I am used to.
5. I’ve spent more time with my family.
I have received such immeasurable love and support from my family the last few weeks. It never fails to amaze me how understanding my close relatives are when it comes to the greater changes.
6. My best friend went back to school.
Megan just recently moved back go campus to start her sophomore year of college. I miss her so dearly. I’m really glad that she and I got to spend so much time together when she was on summer break. But man, I miss her.
7. I’ve been working towards my own happiness.
In the short 19 years that I have lived, I’ve spent a whole lot of time doing things for the benefit of other people. Right now, I’m doing things mainly for my own benefit. I’m living my own life and indulging in the blessing of being young. I’m living my life as intended and I am so happy to be living in the moment.
Well that’s all for now folks. Stay tuned for more frequent updates and posts.
Note- this blog post was written on my phone while I was at a tattoo shop. I greatly apologize for any spelling/grammar mistakes that I have made. Any and all mistakes will be corrected as soon as I gain access to a device with a full keyboard. Thanks for reading.
Keep dreaming your sweet lullaby.
Softly whispering your melody of peace, so swiftly do the doves fly.
Roses stay forever red and tears are always dried.
You’re too busy hiding your destruction to realize, that your reality has always been disguised.
It was masked behind your illusions, insecurities, and fears.
All you did was close your eyes, cover your ears, and pray for it all to disappear.
Little did you know, that god was too far away to hear your silent prayer.
The nightmares were all real.
They were there before your eyes.
It all took place as you clenched your fists and tried to visualize…
Visualize a better world.
A world without hate or danger.
A world without enemies and you were never called a stranger.
All of these things you pictured.
Your well thought plan of ease.
All of that time you wasted.
Those images clung to your mind like a disease.
Those images were only supposed to be used as a reference.
A stencil to map out a profound and better world,
But now those images have shattered into a saddening reminder of what the world will never be.
You tell me to be optimistic.
How could you be so blind?
How could you not see?
The world is never going to change.
That is what I call my reality.
I’ve always been one to watch where I step. Shoot, I even carry band-aids in my wallet in case of emergency. I’m mostly careful about what I say around people that I know. In most cases, I say very little to people that I don’t know. So why now am I questioning what’s safe and what’s good for me?
It’s true that I have been prioritizing safety over happiness. Looking back now, I should have jumped at opportunities instead of hesitating so much. I am the one holding myself back, all because I am so damn afraid of the unexpected. I don’t like not having a plan and I don’t like the feeling that things are crumbling.
I am drowning in a pool of stagnant water and I keep taking for granted the people who keep trying to throw me lifelines. I am safe here in this pool and I don’t know what will happen if I get out. I’m exhausted from thinking so hard about this and I wish that I could just make up my mind.